If Only ... If you are waiting for a partner to go overseas - DON'T

"I think I could live overseas if only I were married."

This sentiment has echoed through many conversations I have had with single friends considering the expat life, but it has always worried me.

While it is completely understandable that the thought of having a companion makes the prospect of living as a stranger in a strange land less daunting, my concern is that this kind of thinking inadvertantly places too much responsibility on one's partner. What is being said is that the individual does not believe they make it on their own, but that having a spouse would change that situation. The implied expectation is that a spouse would make up for whatever the individual lacks to make this lifestyle work, and that is a dangerous implication.

To be fair, when I have heard this from my single friends that isn't usually what they mean. Usually, they are expressing their loneliness and desire for companionship. Sometimes they have lived overseas for a time and found it a very difficult environment in which to find potential partners.

These are reasonable and relatable sentiments and I, in my turn, have felt them keenly.

Nevertheless, marriage is not a cure for loneliness. (Neither is having children.)

Whether you travel alone, with your spouse, or as a family, living as the yabancı, the muzungu, the gaijin…the outsider, in another country and culture can be an isolating experience.

When I was growing up overseas, my family responded to some of this isolation by holding tighter to one another. Sometimes this was a necessary and positive response - I cherished and now miss the closeness that my sisters and I shared during our years abroad - but our interdependence was also taken to extents that became dysfunctional. Looking to your spouse (or worse, your children) as your only source of support in the desperation of a season of deep loneliness will warp the relationship. Certainly, your family can and probably should be A source of comfort and support, but if it has become THE only source, be warned. In that situation, there are almost certainly unrealistic and unfair expectations being placed on some if not all members of the family unit; simultaneously, it is also very likely that more than just one person in the family is feeling the same isolation and loneliness. Two limping people may be able to lean on one another, but neither can carry the other. (And please, you are the adult, don't ask your children to carry you.)

I have known loneliness aplenty. I have felt its depths myself, overseas and in my passport country, as a child in a loving family, a single woman, a newlywed, a mother...and I have seen the familiar reflection in the eyes of my parents, siblings, co-workers, housemates, students and husband. I have both experienced and observed the pressures that a lonely person exerts on his or her closest relationships. I don't blame lonely people for clinging to those around them; when you feel like you are drowning, naturally you reach out. Just make sure you don't drown your loved ones with you. Please take my word for it and learn from my experience.

If you are waiting for a partner to go overseas and try to live the life of an expat - DON'T.

You can take this advice in one of two ways:

1. DON'T GO : If you really think you need the support of a partner to live overseas, maybe reconsider whether you should go at all. Ask yourself what fears lie behind your desire for a companion. Try to answer honestly what hidden expectations you would bring to a relationship. These are probably good questions to ask of yourself when looking for a partner, whether or not you intend to move overseas, but in the increased-stress environment of living cross-culturally in unfamiliar surroundings it is even more likely that unspoken fears and expectations will fester and sour the relationship.
2. DON'T WAIT : If you really want to live or work internationally and the only thing holding you back is the thought that it would be easier with a partner, don't wait to find that person, just go. When you get wherever you are going, find community and support where you are.

Stay or go, my advice will still always be to find community beyond your partner.

The geography is important here. In today's world, you can connect with people anywhere else on the globe, BUT my firm belief is that we need community where we are to really feel at home.

And when I say community, I am talking about multiple friends and support structures. Remember the drowning person? The one who clings to whomever is available and drags them down too? Now imagine a water strider instead.

Carefully spreading out its limbs and distributing its weight, these remarkable insects can glide across the surface of the water. I don't think they would do so well, if they tried to balance on just one leg...

If you really want to live the life of a global nomad, don't wait on the perfect someone to come along and take that step with you. Instead, become a water strider and find out how to navigate the expat life. Maybe you will find someone along the way, maybe you won't...but if you can learn to make a priority of seeking out supportive community wherever you go and not expecting to find everything you need in any single relationship, whether you end up with a partner or not, you will be healthier for it.